Survival Mode

Television, World of Warcraft, and movies have become my distractions of choice.

What is my motivation for spending hours every day watching reruns of Suits, or leveling my WoW character, or binge watching all the Marvel movies in a week? Some of it is entertainment – it is enjoyable to relax and not have to use my brain to problem-solve, analyse or evaluate. I can simply sit and enjoy the journey. It is also due to a fair bit of exhaustion; my brain and body are so active during the day at work, it feels like a kindness to give them a break at night. But mostly, I think it is denial – avoidance, distraction, whatever you want to call it. It is easy to sit there and forget about the qualms of life, the to-do lists and goals, the dreams that need achieving, the house that needs cleaning.

Sure, I do believe that there is a benefit to these restful, entertaining activities. Sometimes I desperately need a distraction and an episode of Suits provides it. But, after four episodes, when the sun has set and sleep is calling, I wonder what happened to my evening.

The guilt begins to slip in like cold air through a gap in the door – an unwelcome guest intruding on my warm and cozy state of denial. Is anything ever worth the guilt that comes afterwards? Probably not. But I am human – I do it anyways and suffer the consequences.

The guilt begins to slip in like cold air through a gap in the door – an unwelcome guest intruding on my warm and cozy state of denial.

I’ve read articles about goal-setting, transforming your life by waking up at 5am, tracking your progress in a detailed spreadsheet, writing key actions to achieve your dreams, blah blah blah. My goals aren’t appealing at 5am when the darkness and warmth of my bed envelope me in a loving embrace. My extensive list of actions and once seemingly determined nature have fled as I sit down on the couch, turn on the television and zone out after the day’s relentlessness.

It feels as if I am barely surviving, walking the edge of the cliff. It makes me wonder: what does it take to thrive?

It makes me wonder: what does it take to thrive?

In all honesty, it probably takes a therapist, a boatload of cash, and free time. 

1. The therapist: to address all the engrained mindsets, habits, and ways of working that have embedded themselves in every cell of my body over the course of my life.
2. The boatload of cash: so that the worry, stress, and anxiety of paying bills and surviving in this society are dismantled.
3. The free time: so I can explore myself, my creativity, and engage in all the activities that bring me happiness, all at my whim.

Of course, that life is a fantasy. But it begs the question: how can I change myself or my life so that I work more towards these three ideas and a life of more thriving and less surviving?

The therapist is easy – I already have one who I’ve seen occasionally over the last four years, I simply need to schedule a session and visit him more regularly. Tick. Done.

The cash, well, it’s complicated. I can’t magic money out of the air. There are two sides to this conversation: income and expenses. The biggest and quickest way to increase cash is to decrease expenses. I already have a budget and I have cut out some flexible expenses. For example, instead of getting a $4 coffee each morning, I have learned to make my own slightly less appealing coffee at home, equating to approximately $1400 a year. Cutting out one cup of coffee a day means very little when I have a student loan payment of $643 per month, around $7,700 per year (until 2038 – I will be paying off student loans until I am 51 years old… what an outrage). Nevertheless, the coffee is gone. I also switched car insurers and saved $15 a month, started buying more used clothing (especially suit jackets – what a bargain!), and limit eating out to once per week (date night on Saturday – a weekly indulgence that is necessary for myself, my partner, and our relationship).

No, my spending is not the issue… at least, my incidentals aren’t outrageous. Let’s face it: it is expensive to live, to survive in this society.

Let’s face it: it is expensive to live, to survive in this society.

What about income? I have a full-time job, the typical 9am to 5pm, five days a week. I’ve been trying to start a side hustle (selling books and a line of products), but that comes down to the third point: free time.

After my work day, engaging in my relationship, taking care of the pets, cooking/eating dinner, maintaining connections with friends and family, and general life upkeep, I have very little time (or more importantly – energy) to run a side hustle.

A side hustle is not a small matter. It is a huge business. It requires daily engagement, upkeep and creation. It is a commitment that needs to be fully invested in. How can I do that when my brain is already overflowing?

It is a question I have yet to answer.

Maybe my therapist can help. But the last thing I need is another to-do list or goal.

Free time is not only about the side hustle. It is also about having the space to wake up and say, “Whitney, what will make you happy today?” and then doing whatever it is that will bring me joy whether that is painting, writing, going out for a walk in the bush, reading in bed, or numerous other activities that make me happy. It is the space to allow myself to be present to myself – a very rare occurrence these days. In the busy-ness of my life, there is very little space for me.

Survival mode is definitely in full force; thriving will have to wait. In fact, I have to run – meeting starting in five!