Written by OMG Whit…
What the heck are you going to do with yourself?! You’ve been unemployed for five months now and you’re starting to freak out. You don’t have any back-up plans, or any plans at all for that matter. That is unsettling. Even worse, you still don’t have a home. You are sleeping on friends’ couches, which feels like an intrusion into their lives. You can’t relax because it isn’t your space and you are constantly worried about being a burden or a nuisance. But, you don’t have any other options. So where does that leave you? Still homeless!!! Still unemployed! Still confused and nervous and anxious and all sorts of nonsense like that!
You can’t decide what to do; there are so many options that it’s overwhelming to consider them all. You can’t make a decision, and that in and of itself is a decision. You’ve become so good at not making decisions (that are really decisions), you have come up with your own term: anti-decision. It is the decision to not make any decisions, which is still a decision!
Confused yet? I know I am (insert crying emoji face here).
It is so difficult to let go, to welcome the uncertainty and the unknown. You have always been a planner, Whit, someone who creates a plan and then works to make it a reality. You often have a plan for five years in the future and even though those plans rarely work out, at least you have something you are working towards. Now, you have no plan. At all.
This situation sucks, and yet it is also amazing. You find yourself in a massive state of change (is this what a mid-life crisis looks like?). You are struggling to manage all the emotions and uncertainties…it is a challenge. When you are challenged, that is when you learn the most and discover yourself. Or rather, you discover other parts of yourself. You are resilient and strong. This experience is part of your journey. You keep reminding yourself to embrace this time, to just be. But saying that and doing it are two completely different things.
What’s haunting you the most is finding a job (an unfortunate necessity in this capitalistic society that we live in). You have options, but each one has pros and cons. The more you think about it, the more difficult the decision becomes. Each option seems like the right decision for a time, and then that feeling passes and you become obsessed with another option. You want to find the right job, a job you can stay in for at least a few years. Leaving jobs constantly (even for valid reasons like bullying) is tiring. Starting over again and again and again is exhausting. When will you find some consistency in life?
Maybe you don’t need consistency right now. Maybe this time is about uncertainty. Maybe you need the uncertainty to find the consistency.
Maybe you need to accept that you are a bit lost, and that’s okay. You’re still struggling to come to terms with everything that has happened to you over the past six months. You keep asking yourself, “Fuck, what’s going to happen next?” You also keep saying, “Shit, shit, shit.” You’re all over the place (like that time you put your minestrone soup in the microwave for 10 minutes instead of 1 minute…that’s the inside of your brain right now).
It’s one of those times in life where you are being pushed to the limit…just to see what happens. It’s like a test. “How will she respond?” life says. “Let’s find out…” And then life hits you. WHAM. A major punch. Not some minor annoyance like a parking ticket (you’ve gotten three in the last month). But a massive, life-changing event. Something that could send you into a downward spiral if you let it.
Right now, that something is your dad. His health is very poor and honestly, he could die any day. When you moved to Australia, this is a fact that you had to accept. But, recently, as he’s been in and out of hospital, the reality has hit you like a punch to the gut. (Too bad your boxing lessons don’t help against emotional punches.) He almost died. He almost died. And even though you are freaking out about your life, thinking about death has a way of sobering you.
Death can come at any time for anyone. There are no guarantees. Your dad’s health issues have sent you spinning. The uncertainties of your life (and his life) right now have forced you to live much more in the present. Gone is the five-year-planning-Whit. Say hello to the new day-by-day-Whit. You are learning to enjoy the simple pleasures in life, the daily joys and struggles. Ultimately, you are grateful to have the opportunity to struggle.
And maybe, instead of freaking out about the struggle, you should embrace it, for it might be exactly what you need right now to remind you that life is precious and every day is beautiful.
Whit Munroe 