Written by Oh Brave Whit,
This is not what you anticipated when you took this job three years ago.
But, I suppose no one expects to be bullied by their boss.
The difficult part of this experience is that you didn’t realise it was happening at the time. In the beginning, it was subtle and slight, in the tone of his voice or the implicit accusations of his questions. Over time, the intensity increased, slowly and deliberately.
There was an hour long phone call where he angrily explained everything you have done wrong in your role over the past two years. You didn’t have any chance to be heard or listened to.
There were times when you asked for support because you were struggling and he responded by questioning your efficiency and effectiveness.
You would send a normal email and he would respond by saying he didn’t like your tone.
There were meetings with just the two of you where he brought out pages of emails you had sent and other documentation of your work that he then proceeded to criticise. These meetings were not performance development meetings. They were not discussions or conversations. Rather, they were opportunities for him to speak his mind and then dismiss you. Literally. “You can go now,” he said after the last one, which was 40 minutes of him talking at you. Again.
There was no support from him, only criticism.
If you really are as bad at your job as he says, wouldn’t you be receiving similar feedback from other colleagues and managers within the organisation? Wouldn’t there be performance reviews and other structures put in place to support your improvement?
Everyone else at work is always telling you how great you are at your job. Your feedback surveys always have outstanding results and your colleagues value and appreciate you. Sure, there are aspects of your job that you can continue to improve upon, but not to the extent that your manager is so passionately expressing.
You felt like a frog. He threw you in a pot of water, warm at first, slightly agitating, and then he slowly increased the temperature until you were boiling. Suddenly, you were fighting for your life, dying by the minute. And the worst part? You didn’t even know it.
Then a work colleague said to you, “Whit, you are being bullied.”
You are being bullied. How has this never occurred to you before? How have you never seen it? It seems so obvious now! You can’t be in a room alone with him because you feel unsafe. You can’t eat at work because you have so much anxiety being near him. You limit your interactions to emails because you can’t talk to him in person. Whit, you need to listen to your body; it’s telling you important information that your mind hasn’t realised yet.
But now, finally, after a year and a half of being boiled (erm, bullied), you know the complete and utter truth: your boss is a douchebag.
Since you’ve realised this undeniable fact, you have taken action (as you always do) to fix it. You have armed yourself with information, reading about the legal rights of employees in your state, talking to friends who have worked in HR, learning about your organisation’s policies on workplace bullying, and talking to other friends who have experienced similar situations. Oh, and you started documenting…eeeeeeeverything. Documentation and evidence is the number one way to protect yourself. You are not as naive and helpless as you once were.
The emotional impact of this experience is unbelievable (and ongoing). It took you six months to be able to talk about the situation without crying. You had panic attacks when you thought about going into the office to meet with him. You have not been yourself for a long time now, and that has impacted the other relationships in your life. Your breakup with Aaron is interconnected with this experience with your douchebag boss.
Now you are trying to do the right thing, to move forward and take steps in a positive direction. But it seems that no matter how hard you try, the people with power still hold the power. And power is always greater than plebeianism.
Yesterday, this entire situation came to a head. Yesterday, you made a life-changing decision.
After months of preparation (both informational and emotional), you requested to meet with the COO of the organisation to explain what you have experienced with your boss. You rehearsed the conversation with your friend, cried out all the pain, and wrote summaries of your key points. You were prepared and ready (go you!).
During the conversation, you were calm and logical, but also open and honest. The COO agreed with you, saying, “Yes, you have been bullied.” She then went on to explain how she had been bullied at her previous workplace. Wow, she understands how you feel! This is good, we have some common ground, you thought.
She continued with her story, “Luckily, my manager transferred to another department, so I was free of the bullying and I was able to stay in my role for many more years.” She smiles.
And then, the statement that shocked you like a bad haircut, “However, your manager isn’t going anywhere, Whit. So I suggest that you start looking for opportunities elsewhere.”
…
…
… shock …
…
… still in shock …
I am quitting my job. You think it, but you don’t say it out loud.
How can a woman who has experienced bullying herself respond like that? She is the COO of the organisation and she is actively accepting his actions. It is in this moment that you realise: you cannot work for an organisation where this sort of behaviour is tolerated. Quitting is the only option.
Whit, you have learned a lot from this appalling experience. Promise me that if you ever find yourself in this situation again, you will leave sooner. You must vow to never allow another person to have so much power over you. You must stand up for yourself and fight. You are strong and you deserve to be treated with respect. Promise me that you will value your wellbeing and you will advocate for yourself. Promise me.
Whit Munroe 