Written by Lovely Whit,
You are single. Again. Sigh.
Now begins the long, arduous journey of rediscovering yourself. You need to understand who you are outside of someone else. On your own. Alone. Just you. (Scary.) You have become so dependent on another person that the thought of being alone is frightening.
In fact, it is so scary that you have created an alter-ego Whit to give you advice (don’t worry, I’m harmless). It’s lonely not having anyone to talk to or text throughout the day. Perhaps that is why you are writing to yourself: you are all you’ve got.
It’s time for some serious self-reflection. You lost yourself in your relationship with Aaron (like that maze at the end of the fourth Harry Potter with the evil hedges that eat people alive). How is it that you keep getting into these relationships that consume you in your entirety? You give so much of yourself to your partner that you end up not having anything left for yourself. It doesn’t matter what it is: time, energy, love, support. You give it all.
When you fall in love, it’s like BAM! Within three weeks of dating, you are fully, completely, 100% madly in love. You love others so easily (it’s one of the things I love about you), but you aren’t very patient with love. You need a slooooow burn. You aren’t looking for the quick thrill anymore. You need to fall in love over time, to have a strong friendship that evolves into deep, lasting love.
I’ve been thinking about your relationship with Aaron. One of the issues that you encountered with Aaron was that he wasn’t very independent or self-sufficient. He constantly relied on you to make decisions and take the lead. This was a direct result of how you began the relationship. When you first started dating Aaron, you did everything. You planned all the dates, you supported him when he was sick, you cooked him dinner, you drove to his house. By doing this, you set the precedent for how your relationship would operate. Humans are habitual creatures; you established poor dating habits from the very beginning, which carried on for the duration of your relationship. (There’s also a deeper issue here of always falling in love with men who are extremely dependent… another habit you’ve developed over time because you’ve always taken care of your father.)
My point is: you need to think about the habits you are establishing from the very beginning (of your next hypothetical relationship).
Which brings me to: Beau. Oh boy…What. A. Hunk. (Think tall, handsome, charismatic, footy player…I’m drooling already).
You are a walking contradiction, Whit. On the one hand, you say you need to be single and rediscover yourself (channeling your inner Socrates), and then on the other hand you are jonesing for this hot footy player (dating a footy player is on your “To-Date” list, which is like a “To-Do” list only waaaay better). Perhaps it’s the fact that you feel like you’ve lost something, lost someone to talk to, and so you are seeking that connection in every guy you meet. Literally, every man you pass by on the street, you think, “Could I date him?” Most of the time, the answer is yes (desperate, much?).
Let’s face it — there is a part of you (a massive part) that fears being alone for another five years. That was a tough five years, to be sure. But you discovered so much about yourself, and you still have so much more to explore. Maybe you need to relax and let life happen, just be for awhile. You don’t need a man to be happy. You know that.
Which brings me back to your current predicament in the form of a very attractive footy player: Beau. Do you try to pursue something with him? Or do you give it time and be patient? You have only been single for a month. I think the bigger question is: are you interested in Beau because you actually like him, or are you interested because you need a distraction? (Impulsive response: I-like-him-because-he-is-awesome-and-amazing-and-the-next-love-of-my-life! Thoughtful response: he might be a distraction…)
Slow down, Whit. You always move at 1000 miles per hour when it comes to dating and love. There’s no rush. Take some time to consider yourself. You still have a lot of work to do. There is still so much to learn and improve before you jump head-first into another relationship. Beau (or any other man) can wait. YOU are your #1 priority right now.
Socrates would be proud.
Whit Munroe 