Written by That time my life exploded like the Big Bang (and other ramblings from a twenty-something year old woman)
Oh Dearest Whit,
Your life is a mess. You can’t even begin to comprehend how this happened. Everything collided at once in a moment of incredible brilliance and an unbelievable amount of exploding shit. Usually you can handle it. Usually you can manage the tough stuff. But this? Oh no, this threw you off the cliff, hit you like a train, smashed you over the head with a brick.
Your life is a Big Bang of fucked-up-ness.
You might be wondering why I’m writing this letter. Why write to myself? Easy answer. You are in desperate need of advice, support, and love. And who better to support you than yourself? After all, you know what you need (or at least, you are the closest person to knowing what you need in order to heal and get through this).
I suppose we need to start with the facts. All of them.
1) You are going through a break up with your long-term (now ex-) boyfriend. (Actually, that’s a lie. You’ve already broken up, but the situation is still clinging to you like a leech, sucking all the blood, life, happiness, and joy out of you.)
2) You were bullied and harassed by your manager at work. (douchebag.)
3) Your dad is having serious health issues and could potentially die. (And you live 13,257 kilometers away from him, literally on the other side of the world (which is 8,237.5 miles in case your American self needs a translation.))
You are strong, you are resilient, and normally, in any other circumstance, if ONE of these things happened, you could handle it. You would persevere. You would address the issue, take action, and fix it.
But all of these situations happening AT THE SAME TIME? It’s no wonder you’re having extreme anxiety and panic attacks. Humans can only deal with so much stress, worry and pain at once until their bodies break down. And your body is definitely breaking down, in all the worst ways. It has become a cause for celebration if you can eat three crackers. (Tomorrow, your goal is four.)
It’s time to accept one serious fact: you are NOT okay.
Don’t worry, I’m here to help you. We’re in this together, after all. I might as well step up to provide some support.
You have had to face some hard truths recently, truths about how you treated Aaron. You lost sight of your love for him. He stopped being your priority. When you were upset, instead of talking about your struggles, you gave him the cold shoulder and didn’t communicate. You failed him (and yourself) in so many ways. Obviously, you aren’t solely responsible for this, but you need to recognise your actions and behaviors, and vow that next time, you will be better. All you can do from this point forward is improve, become a better person, and learn from the mistakes you made (and boy were there many of them over the past two and a half years).
It’s easy to lose sight of yourself when you become weighed down by responsibility, stress, expectations, and pressure. When you were bullied by your manager, you didn’t even know it at the time (subconsciously, you were suffering, but consciously, you were in a state of denial). Inevitably, the pain you were feeling because of that experience impacted your relationship with Aaron; you weren’t yourself and you didn’t even realise it. You lost the best parts of yourself.
So, I have to ask, “Who do you want to be? How do you want to be in this life?” Never lose sight of these questions. You always need to reflect on your actions and ensure that you are living true to your values. You are an incredible, strong, caring, beautiful woman and you want to be someone who always shows love. You are love. At your core, you are compassionate, empathetic, caring, and loving. Always remember: that is who you are and that is who you want to be in this world.
Life is out there, waiting for you, if you are open to it. This is not the end. There are so many things that you still want to experience: learning to snowboard, traveling to South America, becoming fluent in Spanish (maybe even dating a Spanish boy? You never know!). You will make it through the struggles that you are experiencing right now, but it will take time. Be patient with yourself. Amazing things are coming, I promise.
Whit Munroe 